Sucky Suckaween/transcript

(Episode starts in a pumpkin field where RABs relax while Puppy fapping a pumpkin with three holes)

Puppy: So far so good, but even I'm not big enough to make a suitably-sized mouth-hole.

Cat: So what are you guys dressing up as this Halloween?

Hamster: Let's use the Random Costume Generator! (presses button on a laptop, revealing an Undead Football Fan) Undead Football Fan. Yippee!

Donkey: (presses a button on a laptop, revealing a Homosexual DInosaur) Homosexual Dinosaur? Hey, I heard sex in that somewhere!

Puppy: I figured I'd just wear pants for a change. (swallows tons of Vi4gra medicine)

Bunny: I want to be the popular one at the party, so I'm going as a fully operating beer keg.

Cat: I CALLED BEER KEG! Eh, never mind. I definitely don't want to wear a 120-pound costume all night.

Bunny: No, it's not 120 pounds, it won't even cost half that.

Puppy: What the fuck are you gibbering about, ass-pirate Queerqueg cornhole-craving Captain of the Flying Buttman? Hehehehe, ZING!

Bunny: Sorry, I used to live in the UK. So, I thought you meant (British accent) British Pounds Sterling.

Puppy: (realizes his right testicle twitching) My right testicle is twitching. I'm sensing a plot device just happened.

Bunny: Yeah, my sister's still living out there in our ancestral manor hall. Can't believe she hasn't moved out yet. Supposed to be haunted.

Puppy: (realizes his left testicle twitching) And there goes the left one! Damn! An episode with an actual plot? Whoop, hang on a second... (his pee-pee place goes large and strikes out to the pumpkin mouth)

Cat: Haunted. Pfft. Everyone knows ghosts aren't real.

Donkey: Now, I may be out of line, but they most certainly are real!

Cat: Donkey! I believe this our very first actual conversation.

Donkey: Now. Is my poop real?

Cat: Yes, yes, Donkey, it is.

Donkey: Is it scary?

Cat: Quite scary.

Hamster: It horrifies and ridicules me.

Donkey: Okeedokee! So, are ghosts scary?

Cat: I don't get where you're...

Donkey: HA! Ghosts are scary, like my poop! My poop is real, IG, ghosts are real, AMEN!

Puppy: (with a poop and lighter on each hands) OK, not unlike Tara Reid's nipples, (lights poop with a lighter) that was both sloppy (puts poop in a pumpkin mouth) and unmemorable.

Cat: Ehh... let's just go to Bunny's sister's house and get drunk.

(cut to the Exitor, where it has tons of signs, like England, Jersey, Santa and RAB16. RABs go to it)

Puppy: KM? What is that, metric?

Hamster: Let's use cosmic powers to pretend we're already there!

(later)

(cut to England, where it has the haunted ancestral manor hall and thunder clouds. RABs go in there)

Cat: God damn that took forever.

Hamster: No, I used cosmic powers!

Cat: We've been travelling for eleven days!

Hamster: Prove it. (this disappointed Cat with a thunder)

(cut to the interior of the haunted manor hall)

Bunny: (opens the door) Hello? Sis?

Cat: (goes in with a Flippy costume) Nice place! Let's put on our costumes! It's Halloween tonight!

Hamster: (wears a Undead Football Fan costume) Hooray!

Puppy: (wears red pants) Aaagh... oh, Christ, I feel so... so dirty in these... so... vulnerable...

Donkey: (in a Homosexual Dinosaur costume) Do ghosts and other dead people like homosexuls?

Puppy: Uhh, sure. Ever heard of necrophilia?

Donkey: Nope. Who's she?

Bunny: (in a Beer Keg costume) Shh, guys! Someone's coming!

Yvonne: I could have sworn I locked that door!

Ferret: My spirit guide, yes, thank you, Stan. He says there are a few spirits wandering these halls. They are happy souls. Oh, how wonderful. (Yvonne turns on the lights) All except one, oh my. This one is dark indeed.

Puppy: Who's the ballsniffer?

Bunny: Yvonne. I see you're still hanging around with your psychic friend.

Cat: (in Flippy costume) Pfff... psychic... puh-leez. I seriously hope you're not into this flim-flam too, Bunny.

Bunny: Oh, Ferret knows his stuff. He can even do scrying.

Ferret: I believe the spirits would like to try scrying. You look into a mirror, pour water on it, and try to communicate through it.

Cat: Wow! What an entertainingly complex nugget of horseshit!

Yvonne: I've got the lights. (turns the lights off)

(cut to Study)

Ferret: (pours water on a mirror) There, can you see?

Yvonne: I can almost make out a face...

Cat: (makes a funny face) Can you see that one?

Yvonne: Oh my. So ugly!

Hamster: I are scaredliest inna dark!

Ferret: Yes, I sense fear in here too. Shall we try a seance?

Donkey: Seyonc`e? I like her! She was in Goldmember. She was all "I'm Foxy Cleopatra, and I'm a whole lotta woman, baby!" Badonka Donkey!

(cut to Library, where RABs get ready for Ouija Board)

Cat: Oh Christ, not the Ouija board.

Puppy: Augh... these pants are just too tight... I'm far too aroused right now...

Yvonne: Oh Jesus! I swear I just felt something against my leg!

Puppy: My bad... Hehehe. Eh.

Ferret: (holding a planchette) Keep your hands on the planchette.

Puppy: Planchette? What is that, metric?

Cat: Puppy, are you trying to come up with another catch phrase?

Puppy: No.

Cat: Cause you've already got a lot of em.

Puppy: So?

Cat: You've got like fifty!

Puppy: What is that, metric?

Cat: (groans)

Puppy: (chuckles)

Ferret: Concentrate! Stan says ask him something.

(RABs hold the planchette together with Ferret)

Yvonne: Stan, are there any spirits in this room? (together swing Yes) Yes. Whew... OK, do you want us to leave?

Ferret: It's trying to spell something.

Ferret and Yvonne: (RABs spell with ouija board) O. U. I. J. A?

Donkey: That spells GHOST!!! (thunder)

Bunny: I think he's right.

Yvonne: Can you make a noise for us? Tell us you're here. (a table rumbles) AAH! Oh my god! (ouija board falls) Oh my good sweet lord!

Cat: Puppy, cut that out! (it is revealed that Puppy making the noise with his large pee pee place rumbling the table)

Puppy: Sorry! It's these fucking pants!

Ferret: Now just calm down, Yvonne. Let me try channelling a spirit. (Hamster jumps on a chair)

Hamster: Stinky Bum Bum alert! (Ferret sits on him. Poor Hammy is horrified in Ferret's bum-bum) I'M IN THE DARK PLACE AGAIN! IT'S HELL IN HERE! SO MANY HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE ME!

Yvonne: Oh, I can't take this anymore! I'm moving out of this place! Tonight!

Hamster: (Ferret stands out of a chair. Poor Hammy got squashed by Ferret) I have seen the great bum skin, and I am forever changed.

Ferret: Stan says they're all here with us still... One, the tall one, is very simple-minded. And then there's a small one I believe just possessed me. And a cynic is among them.

Cat: Waitwaitwaitwait, hang on...

Ferret: And one with a tremendous willy...

Puppy: Is he.. talking about...

Cat: No, no, that's... no!

Ferret: And, and, hang on... Your brother! Your brother is among them!

Bunny: What? You have another brother? And he's here?

Yvonne: I want to talk to him!

Bunny: I'd like to also!

Ferret: Stan thinks he said he'd like to talk too.

Yvonne: Oh, dear brother... the plane crash... oh, when I heard!

Bunny: He died in a place crash, eh? Huh. Beats getting impaled with a shovel, I guess...

Ferret: Oh my... Stan says he's confused, he doesn't get that he's... dead.

Cat: Oh fuck. This has gotta be a joke.

Ferret: Bunny! If you can hear me, YOU are the one who died this morning. There is... no other brother. (cut to flashback where other scenes play, but without RABs, like when RABs enter the hall, scrying, rumbling table) So, if HE died in the plane, we all did.

(cut to Library)

Donkey: HA! Told you my poop was real! (has wings and flies to heaven)

Cat: (takes off Flippy head) Oh my god... no... no!

Bunny: Me? Dead? I could never have imagined.

Puppy: Fantastic! Now I can fuck dead people! Legally! (turns into a demon)

Ferret: (goes into the first floor) Stan tells me the spirits are happy now and ready to move on. Oh, that's lovely, Stan.

Cat: WHAT?! NO! (beats Ferret in his stomach) I'M FUCKING PISSED! GODDAMN YOU!!! (calms down and stops beating Ferret) OK, if I'm a ghost, where's this Stan at? I oughtta be able to see him now.

Satan: (appears behind the couch) Uh, hi...

Cat: Satan? Stan, Satan... right... got it...

Ferret: Oh my god. Stan, you're Satan?

Yvonne: Who did the what now?

Cat: Satan, if you wanna hang with us, you've gotta ditch this guy.

(Satan does so by slashing Ferret in half with the force, frightening Yvonne)

Yvonne: OH BLOODY HELL!!! (runs away, bawling, background fading to black)

Puppy: (appears in his demon form) What is that, metric? Heheheh! (disappears in flames)

(post-credits)

(cut to the floor 1, where Bunny pours a glass of beer with his costume, and Hamster sitting in a glass)

Cat: (holding a glass) So what do we do for the next episode, now that we're all dead?

Bunny: You've got a lot of nerve asking me that question.

(THE END!)